So after a 4 week wait and hundreds of dollars in fees to Telstra and gigs of mobile data to tide me over, I get unconscionably supplied with an entirely unusable service (at the full price, of course).
I've signed up with SkyMesh's newly-available NBN service, ported my mobile number away from Telstra, and will cancel my Telstra land line and ADSL as soon as the new service is installed. I will never have anything to do with Telstra again, and will be urging all my friends and family to cancel their Telstra services forthwith.